Mental Chaos

It all started when my uncle offered to help pay for airline tickets, or maybe it started when my brother got engaged, or maybe it was last thanksgiving when he met the love of his life. or maybe it started a long time before that when he moved to Hawaii, but anyway, My brother is getting married and the wedding is in Hawaii, and airfare is outrageous.

I wanted to go. I wanted to bring the kids, but that was too expensive. I looked at ticket prices and decided I could not make it. Then my uncle generously said he had some money set aside to help people get there. L and M could stay home with their daddy while he takes his vacation, and I could go with just little P in my lap. It was all but settled. But I felt no peace about that decision. My heart was in turmoil over the separation from my kids, and the fact that this would mean no family vacation this year.

Then my husband found out he could not get that week off anyway. So I figured out the cheapest price to get us all there and presented it to my uncle saying, "This is the only way I can go. If it is too much I will stay home and it's no problem." So he said we would wait till everyone else was booked and see if there was enough for us. It looked like there would be, but one sister had to wait till she could talk to some professors to find out her schedule before she could book her tickets, and then while we were waiting my tickets went up. Now I do not think I can go at all, unless by some miracle they come back down again which is hardly likely.

I am all mixed up inside. I keep starting to get a little excited at the prospect of the trip, then it is gone, can't happen, then It might be, then it is not. I just feel dizzy inside. I am ready to KNOW, one way or the other, Whether or not this is going to happen. Right now I am pretty sure it won't. Tickets don't come back down do they? but I am afraid to get myself used to the idea of NOT going, because as soon as I do something will change again! Aaaaaagh! OK, sorry folks, just needed to vent. If you read this and you are one of the people involved, please understand I am not ranting against you or anyone, just the frustration of circumstances that are keeping me all in a whirl.

Edit-
Well, we found something that almost worked, but it was on the wrong island. the island with free housing, but not the island with the wedding. and the inter island tickets made it too much in the end. So, I am not going. I am ok with that. but I have this weird feeling that someone is going to try to come up with a way to get me there just as soon as I get comfortable with the idea that I am staying here. I am sure it will be a beautiful wedding and maybe someone will bring a laptop, and I can "be there" on skype or something.